Marriage…an enjoyably difficult journey

Written by Adelcia Ferlance for Caribbean Vybes

You’ve probably heard people say marriage is not a bed of roses, but I think they are wrong. Marriage is a bed of roses! It’s just filled with thorns and leaves. It’s the job of the spouses to clear those leaves and remove those thorns to enjoy the true beauty of the roses. Marriage is hard work and you either enjoy working hard or be miserable. My husband and I choose to enjoy the work we put in. We’ve decided to ensure our marriage is filled with romance, fun, inspiration, devotion, trust and open communication, all on the foundation of the word of God. Corny right? But it works! It’s not fool proof, but it works.

You’re probably wondering…”What does she mean it’s not a fool proof plan? God is the foundation.” Yes He is, but we are flawed. People mess up…mistakes are made; that’s why it’s not fool proof, but with God as the foundation anything can be mended. We must be willing and ready to forgive. We must be willing to humble ourselves to surrender to God and allow the love for our spouse to help us see beyond their flaws or mistakes. It can be difficult learning to cope with another person’s personality, habits and lifestyle. I mean, I’ve just started coping with my own crazy personality and I’m still learning to figure myself out. Now I have this whole other person to learn….hmmmph! Haha! I can be comical, but it’s often the reality. The trick is, instead of looking at it that way, try thinking of every day, every disagreement, every misunderstanding as a part of this great adventure called marriage.

Not every obstacle will be easily overcome, especially if it’s an annoying bad habit you have addressed with your spouse that they just won’t let go of; even after saying “I understand babe and I’m sorry I make you feel that way. I will do better” you’re often left thinking “yea right that’s what you always say…you’re not gonna change”. That little thought right there is feeding the pest. That thought amplifies over time and before you know it you have lost control. Anger blazes the next time it happens; hurtful things are said…damaging thoughts are fed and communication has gone to shreds.

You start bottling up emotions and bit by bit distance is created.  Let that image warm your heart. Most importantly though, pray about the things that bug you. Ask God to minister to your spouse about their shortcomings and reveal to them the hurt and harm they are causing and how to overcome. Truth is, we won’t always reach our spouse regardless of how openly we communicate, but God always will. Philippians 4:8-9 says “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” This is building on the foundation of God.

It is necessary to have a forgiving relationship; it not only strengthens the bond and friendship but it builds trust and devotion. Simply knowing that your spouse has your back can do wonders for the growth of your marriage. It is so easy to see faults and criticize and destroy, but it takes real effort to inspire, forgive and build. The former breaks down a relationship and latter strengthens…. choose wisely. Praise your spouse more than you critique and when you do criticize or rebuke, do it in love not anger; that makes the difference. Proverbs 15:1 states “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Two angry people shouting bears no fruit, but if you listen and discuss you bring peace and clarity. James 1:19-20 says “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:  For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” A peaceful home is a happy home. Proverbs 25:24 “It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.” It doesn’t mean frustration and hardship won’t come; it’s all about how you deal with it when it does. Be open and honest with your feelings, but loving and considerate with your words.

Be each other’s inspiration. Support each other’s dreams. Don’t allow your spouse to have regrets. Sometimes one person must sacrifice their dream for another person to thrive. It can be a result of insufficient income, time, or simply one being more realistic than the other. Whatever the reason, don’t forget to allow the other’s dream to be realized as well. Sometimes we get caught up in our own success that we don’t remember the other person. In many marriages, there’s always one who sacrifices more than the other…one who is more lenient and understanding than the other and many times, in those cases, the lenient one gets “taken for granted”. It’s often not intentional…it just happens…either because that person is not vocal enough or because day by day it’s become so much the norm that the desire to fulfil their dream is diminished or vanishes over time. Philippians 2:3 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves”. Open communication prevents such things from happening, because if we are open and honest with ourselves and our spouse it is less likely to be overlooked.

Fun and romance are vitally important also. Married couples get so comfortable sometimes that we forget how crucial these two are. Make time to get to know each other more. “What?!! We’ve been married 20 years! What are you talking about??” Hahaha…I’m talking about the fact that over time there are subtle changes and sometimes drastic ones. New hobbies are found. New likes or dislikes are developed. Boredom strikes and a change is just needed somewhere somehow. Things become monotonous and you lose interest. This is why it’s crucially important to make time for fun and romance. Maybe take a moonlight stroll and bask in the glow of each other’s company. Surprise your spouse with a private intimate dinner or picnic. Go to the beach. Play twister! This can be both fun and romantic if you play it right “wink, wink”. Give an occasional inappropriate touch. Spend some cuddle time together in light conversation, tender caresses and silly jokes. Do things to keep the flame lit and conversation flowing. You may be surprised how much you learn about your spouse even after 20 years.  

Marriage is indeed a beautiful thing. It is an enjoyably difficult journey once you live it right. Blending two different beings into one will always be difficult, because each person has different likes and dislikes, their own habits or customs…different ways of cooking, cleaning, sleeping. Yes, sleeping. When that midnight snore kicks in and you are accustomed to a peaceful night sleep…geez! The beauty though, is accepting the differences and focusing on the similarities; the things that make your heart melt. How he always thinks of you first. The way she looks at you when your eyes meet first thing in the morning. The way he values you and flaunts you like his prized possession. The way she cares for you like you are the best thing to ever happen to her.  The fact that somehow you always know what the other is thinking just from a simple glance. Focus on the things that bring you joy and build on those things. Learn to love the flaws and see how they become less annoying and more comical. Be more open and considerate about your feelings and see how your bond grows stronger. Enjoy more alone time together and watch the passion grow. Complement each other. Express your love for each other. Pray for each other. Be your spouse’s best friend. Marriage is an enjoyably difficult journey and you either enjoy working hard to keep it alive or you be miserable. Choose to enjoy each other.